Badge of Honor

Becoming a mother was something I’ve always known to be in my future at just 18 years old. What I didn't know was that it isn’t always easy, and if it was, it wasn’t going to stay easy. You can’t plan for blessings. They are given to you when it’s meant to happen, according to God’s plan.

It took a total of 6+ years to complete our family. 4 heartbreaks and 3 strong and resilient ones that added their heart song alongside mine. I’m blessed and lucky beyond measure, but who would have thought I’d clock into a club no woman wants to be a part of as well? Miscarriage holds so much heartbreak. Not just of grief of losing a yet to be baby, but of hopes and dreams of a future you saw gone too soon. It’s a dream and nightmare wrapped into one gut wrenching ultrasound that is covered with a mother’s tears. However that pain doesn’t solely belong to just mom or dad, especially when you have intuitive young children. How do you explain loss to a 6 year old? My son Christian knew that babies are a gift from Heaven and that God chooses a family for angels to come to Earth for. The story of Christian's constant prayers for his siblings is one of my favorites.

He prayed for my daughter Rylie at just 20 months old. We had just had a miscarriage that required a D&C. As we were laying down watching a movie, Christian came over and lifted my shirt asking, “Momma baby?” I replied, “No not yet con" (which means child in Vietnamese). At the time, he had just learned how to say grace. He bowed his head, closed his eyes, and said, “Baby, amen!” 10 days later we conceived Rylie.

Fast forward after three miscarriages in 2022, I was on a drive home with just Christian. He asked "Where did babies go and why do they have to go?" I reminded him of the story of how babies come to Earth. This time I told him, "Sometimes God misses his Angels so much he asks them to come home.” I was glad I didn’t have to look him in the eyes, because he would have seen the heartbreak in mine. Another day Christian said to his sister Rylie at the breakfast table, “It is time we get a baby because God took back so many of ours. So it is important we pray.” So just like his prayers for his sister Rylie, he led our family in prayers for their now baby sister, Noah.

I recently welcomed our third and final baby - a little girl named Noah. During this pregnancy, I suffered so much anxiety. It took the kindness of my OB who allowed me to visually see and hear my baby at every visit, allowing me as many visits as it will take to quiet my mind. Noah's name means peace and rest, fitting isn’t it? She is our second rainbow, but truly babies born after a loss should be considered a pot of gold.

My Tiny Tags has three little names engraved on the 14k Gold Mini Dog Tags. They represent three of the most important people in my world, our children. Christian (our son who is currently 6 years old), Rylie (our daughter who is 4 years old), and of course the sweet little baby I mentioned earlier, Noah (who is 2 months old). It took a while for me to allow my husband to pull the trigger on this necklace. I didn’t want it ordered until I held Noah in my arms. I've learned that the trauma of loss doesn’t stop, it is just better managed.

When I asked my hubby why this gift instead of the others on my list, he replied “a mother deserves to carry their heart not just on their sleeve, but adorned on their being.” So, I wear my Tiny Tags as a badge of honor. It is a reminder that I was lucky to become a mom to my 3 babies here, and my 4 angels in heaven. 

- Jenny Nguyen (@jen.guyen)