In Your Bright Flower Gowns

If you told me at the age of 27 that I would need to do multiple rounds of IVF to have a shot at becoming a mother,  I would have called you crazy. If you then told me that IVF would be the easiest part of becoming a mother, I think I would have laughed in your face. But, sadly for me, this was exactly the case.

My journey to motherhood started when I was 26 and had a couple miscarriages followed by a very late miscarriage. I was so defeated and crushed but I knew I wanted above all else to become a mother so my husband and I decided to see an IVF doctor. The doctor seemed to think I would have no problem doing IVF and getting pregnant. I was young, healthy, had wonderful lab results, etc. my husband also likes to remind me that he had “ super sperm” as the nurse called it ! But after one round of IUI, one failed IVF cycle and one canceled IVF cycle I was feeling like motherhood was never going to happen for me.  I needed to take a break from IVF for my mental health after a year or so. IVF took a toll on me mentally and physically. The constant appointments, shots, medications, hope and defeat every time was devastating.  When we finally went back a year later I was 29 and thought we would give it another shot.  I insisted on them implanting two embryos ( against my doctors advice) because I knew this would be my last time. I was shocked to get the call two weeks later that both embryos stuck so now just hope everything continues to go well!   To say that I was elated is an understatement. I was finally going to become a mother and I was going to have twins!  I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet.  Fast forward 23 weeks when I went in to see my gynecologist who took one look at me and rushed me to the local hospital with a level 4 NICU center because I was in active labor! 

When I first got to the hospital a doctor for the NICU came upstairs to my room and had “ the talk “ with my husband and me.  This is the talk where they explain to you that your babies aren’t technically viable right now and won’t survive if you give birth that day.  Nothing will ever prepare a woman for this information.  I think I sat in silence for what felt like hours. I knew I had to keep them in longer so I sat on bed rest at the hospital for 8 more days and delivered my 1 lb 7 oz twins at 24 weeks and 3 days.  They were immediately rushed away to a different room and set in glass incubators where they would remain for four months while they fought for their lives.  This was by far the most traumatizing experience of my life but I wouldn’t change it for the world.  These twins are my miracles, my rainbow babies, my entire world!  They both came home from the NICU right around their due date ( born March 23rd with a due date of July 11th). They are now healthy, wonderful little girls who taught me that being a mother is more about just having a baby. It’s about learning that our world is so fragile and we have to fight for every moment and treasure every second we get with our tiny little humans.  I’ll never stop fighting for them like they never stopped fighting to live to make me their mom. I am so blessed to be their mom and be able to wear their names around my neck ( and wrist) and show off how proud I am of my little fighters.

One of my favorite pieces of jewelry I have from tiny tags is my cuff bracelet.  My husband got it as a Christmas gift for me. On the outside is my daughters' birthday and the inside are lyrics from the song that my husband's twin brother wrote for the babies on the first day they were born. The song starts off by saying that he truly isn’t sure what to think or feel because the birth of our twins wasn’t pretty. It was terrifying and he didn’t know if he should congratulate us or not . And the chorus (which is my favorite part) says “but I picture you now in your bright flower gowns as you bounce all over town and we say look at you now”.  The song ends with lyrics saying how amazing it is that they are home and what miracles they are.  The song alone was an amazing gesture but now being able to wear those lyrics everyday and be reminded how truly amazing my little girls are is what makes the bracelet so special to me!

Tiny tags means so much to me because it’s a company run by women for women and moms and it’s a club I never thought I’d be part of. My girls are truly the most important thing in my life, and to be able to carry them with me everyday, especially when they were in the NICU and I wore their names on my neck daily when I had to leave them each night for four months was something I treasured.