Leaving Home
I knew this day was coming. The clock has been ticking louder and louder over the past year and now I can no longer silence it. We dropped our first son, Tyler, off at school last week and my head is still spinning with questions: how can we be here already? How can 18 years go so fast? Why does it hurt so much when I know he is happy? I intentionally tried to approach the past year with gratitude, but couldn't help notice that it was filled with lasts: the last first day of high school, last football game, last day watching my three boys leave for school together, and then the last night we all had dinner together as a family. Tick, tick, tick…
"I intentionally tried to approach the past year with gratitude, but couldn't help notice that it was filled with lasts."
I am writing this now in his room surrounded by all his memorabilia - a room that looks like he could walk in at any moment. His bed is unmade, drawers open and laundry still in the corner - just how he left it. I like it like this because it feels comforting, as if he's just downstairs. It has been only 8 days since we dropped him off, but the void within me was immediate as we drove away. Don't get me wrong - I am keenly aware that I am one of the lucky ones - he is alive, healthy and doing what he is supposed to be doing - living his life. And after all, isn't this what we signed up for? Shouldn't each confident step he takes away from us be a testament to a job well done? We gave him wings and now he can fly. I guess I just didn't factor in that I wouldn't be flying next to him.
"I guess I just didn't factor in that I wouldn't be flying next to him."
A new chapter in my motherhood journey has started, and as much as I want to turn the pages back, I can't. I can only accept it and focus on being thankful for every second we were under one roof. And while these first pages are written with longing, with having to let go when every ounce of my being wants to hold on, I know more than ever what an incredible gift motherhood is. From the sleepless newborn nights, to the first day of school, to the lacrosse games, the family movie nights, the school dances, even to the small stuff that seemed SO big in the moment - being a mom is the most precious gift I could ever have asked for. So as I wander into this new territory I will continue to focus on love; the love I have for myself, the love I have for this journey, and most importantly, the love I have for my children.
Thank you for reading.
Melissa
Tiny Tags Founder + CEO
